Back from the Dead

I'm finally updating the blog. I'm sorry that it has been literally months! I was worried this would happen when I started it, and then I let it happen anyway. This is partly because I seemed to get so much busier and never slow down. But then, when I did find a free hour on a weekend, and I would think about updating it and then I wouldn't want to. Since September, teaching these kids has gotten a lot harder. I have had lots of bad days and some bad weeks.I didn't want to ruin the positive tone of my first posts with my inability to control my first period boys class, or the sometimes overwhelming pressure I feel to perform at a master teacher's level when this is my fourth month of teaching, or complaints about how few hours I sleep and how many days I've gone without running or exercising at all.

All of these things are what has been happening since I last posted. Don't get me wrong, I still think I will love this job once I'm good at it. And over holiday weekends (thank the Lord for holiday weekends), I miss my students, and I know that I do love them. But sometimes I get so frustrated with them that I just want to give up. Not quit my commitment, but just sit down and let them carry on in class instead of trying to teach them that day. When I go several days in a row without enough sleep, I come in to class with zero patience and I can hear how horrible I sound--only negative things come out of my mouth. But some days, like a couple Thursdays ago, they come in and for some reason decide to be good! And for no apparent reason stay seated, stay engaged, do their work, and are relatively quiet for 50 minutes. The day I'm referring to was so amazing that I gave every single boy in first period candy afterwards since I was so shocked. I never give them candy, and I wanted to really reward them.Those days are the ones that make me see how rewarding it is to teach and see that your students have learned something new by the time they leave you. And then of course the next morning they are back to normal and you're back to nagging them again.

But at the same time, things are getting better. There is a well-known graph, as seen below, of a first-year teacher's journey:

Once I hit "disillusionment" was when I stopped writing in this blog. But I think I might be at least on the road to rejuvenation. I think my attitude and outlook has gotten better, even if I still haven't figured out how to balance what I need (sleep, exercise, relaxation, art) with what my students need from me. Hopefully that will come with rejuvenation. One thing I have learned about teaching, especially first-year teaching or teaching low-income kids like mine, is that you cannot and will not stay positive unless you celebrate the small victories. Being who I am, I am desperate for perfection, or at least awesome. It's so easy to get discouraged by a 52% class average on benchmark tests, or 6 people out of 26 turning in a homework assignment, or half the class claiming they didn't know there was a test today when you've reminded them every day this week. But when you step back and realize that you just had a lesson that kids were genuinely excited about, or you had people jumping out of their seats to answer the questions you asked, or someone can't wait to tell you that they actually studied, and then they are so excited to make an 80 and earn a star on their mastery chart, it can make my whole day and all the hard work worth it.

On a lighter note, some highlights from this week:
"Ms. Kivi, like your clothes don't match....but it still looks good."

"Ms. Kivi, you have a voice like an actor would have."
       "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You don't know what an actor is??"

"I'm going to dye my hair red so you'll like it."
        This is from Thorn, who I'm pretty sure has a crush on me....and bless his heart. That's all you can say about Thorn. He is a handful. He and his best friend Hunter compete to see who has better hair, and usually make me be the judge. But I have hinted that redheads are my favorite :)

(watching a French Revolution video in which royals are eating and drinking at a feast)
"Is that Hennessy, or tea?"
        "Um, I think it's tea."
"Oh."

And finally, the day I got to teach the Reign of Terror has been one of my favorite days. You should have seen the girls classes scream at videos of people's heads being cut off by the guillotine, and heard some of the French Revolution raps and songs they came up with!