Back from the Dead

I'm finally updating the blog. I'm sorry that it has been literally months! I was worried this would happen when I started it, and then I let it happen anyway. This is partly because I seemed to get so much busier and never slow down. But then, when I did find a free hour on a weekend, and I would think about updating it and then I wouldn't want to. Since September, teaching these kids has gotten a lot harder. I have had lots of bad days and some bad weeks.I didn't want to ruin the positive tone of my first posts with my inability to control my first period boys class, or the sometimes overwhelming pressure I feel to perform at a master teacher's level when this is my fourth month of teaching, or complaints about how few hours I sleep and how many days I've gone without running or exercising at all.

All of these things are what has been happening since I last posted. Don't get me wrong, I still think I will love this job once I'm good at it. And over holiday weekends (thank the Lord for holiday weekends), I miss my students, and I know that I do love them. But sometimes I get so frustrated with them that I just want to give up. Not quit my commitment, but just sit down and let them carry on in class instead of trying to teach them that day. When I go several days in a row without enough sleep, I come in to class with zero patience and I can hear how horrible I sound--only negative things come out of my mouth. But some days, like a couple Thursdays ago, they come in and for some reason decide to be good! And for no apparent reason stay seated, stay engaged, do their work, and are relatively quiet for 50 minutes. The day I'm referring to was so amazing that I gave every single boy in first period candy afterwards since I was so shocked. I never give them candy, and I wanted to really reward them.Those days are the ones that make me see how rewarding it is to teach and see that your students have learned something new by the time they leave you. And then of course the next morning they are back to normal and you're back to nagging them again.

But at the same time, things are getting better. There is a well-known graph, as seen below, of a first-year teacher's journey:

Once I hit "disillusionment" was when I stopped writing in this blog. But I think I might be at least on the road to rejuvenation. I think my attitude and outlook has gotten better, even if I still haven't figured out how to balance what I need (sleep, exercise, relaxation, art) with what my students need from me. Hopefully that will come with rejuvenation. One thing I have learned about teaching, especially first-year teaching or teaching low-income kids like mine, is that you cannot and will not stay positive unless you celebrate the small victories. Being who I am, I am desperate for perfection, or at least awesome. It's so easy to get discouraged by a 52% class average on benchmark tests, or 6 people out of 26 turning in a homework assignment, or half the class claiming they didn't know there was a test today when you've reminded them every day this week. But when you step back and realize that you just had a lesson that kids were genuinely excited about, or you had people jumping out of their seats to answer the questions you asked, or someone can't wait to tell you that they actually studied, and then they are so excited to make an 80 and earn a star on their mastery chart, it can make my whole day and all the hard work worth it.

On a lighter note, some highlights from this week:
"Ms. Kivi, like your clothes don't match....but it still looks good."

"Ms. Kivi, you have a voice like an actor would have."
       "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You don't know what an actor is??"

"I'm going to dye my hair red so you'll like it."
        This is from Thorn, who I'm pretty sure has a crush on me....and bless his heart. That's all you can say about Thorn. He is a handful. He and his best friend Hunter compete to see who has better hair, and usually make me be the judge. But I have hinted that redheads are my favorite :)

(watching a French Revolution video in which royals are eating and drinking at a feast)
"Is that Hennessy, or tea?"
        "Um, I think it's tea."
"Oh."

And finally, the day I got to teach the Reign of Terror has been one of my favorite days. You should have seen the girls classes scream at videos of people's heads being cut off by the guillotine, and heard some of the French Revolution raps and songs they came up with!

Is it Sunday already??

Weekends have always been too short, but now they are even shorter. They basically consist of Friday night and Saturday, since Sundays so far have been completely consumed by planning for the coming week. It's insane how long it will take me to do a week's worth of lesson planning. I'm waiting for it to come more naturally and get easier, because everyone assures me it will. I just wish that would happen sooner rather than later, so that I don't have to spend ten hours on Sundays.

Mary and her big trophy!

 Yesterday was Saturday though, and it was a good one. Mary and I ran a 5k race in the little town where I teach (she won overall female, of course). It was my first 5k race since March, when I ran in my last track meet at Emory. I realized this during the race, because it was ROUGH. Haha. To put it in perspective, I would have been happy to come in under 23 minutes yesterday...at Emory I was trying to break 19 and I did it. I ended up running a 23:15 yesterday, which I was fine with since the most I have been running is three times a week. And usually more like one or two. I miss running every day, but most days I get home at dinnertime, cook and/or eat, have a little schoolwork to do, and then decide that sleep is more important. I'm also waiting for the day that this part of my life gets easier, so that I can get back into a routine that will keep me in shape enough to run a 5k under 23 minutes if I want to. But I did win my age group...maybe I haven't lost it all :)

The race was really small, and the lady working the registration table had never done something like this before. Here's how I knew that: the man registering in front of me asked (granted, a dumb question), "So when do we find out if we won our age group?" and she answered, "Um, well, not until it's over." Yeah. Duh.


After the race, while we were waiting for the awards ceremony, Mary and I were exploring the little farmer's market in the square, and one lady's table had some really beautiful zinnia bouquets for sale. There was a lady buying one, and we started talking about how pretty they were.
She said, "You should get some! Do your mothers live close by?"
"No, :( they live in Pennsylvania and New Mexico..."
"Are your grandmothers close by?"
"No :("
"Are you students?"
"Actually, we're teachers."
"You're both teachers? Well here, (holds out money) count out $6 out of there, I'm buying! If you're both teachers, you deserve it."
So now we have two bouquets of homegrown zinnias brightening up our little apartment.

So bright and fall-y!

All this for $2. Pesto heaven...

It was so kind, and reminded me how grateful I am to be in this community where we are so appreciated. That has been one of the best things about being placed here in South Carolina. TFA is so new here, and everyone in education that I've met is so positive and optimistic about what we can bring to the state. They're excited to have us here. I also was thrilled that the zinnia lady was sellling huge sprigs of basil, 4 for a dollar!


Mary and I met our roommate Holly at Waffle House on the way home where I almost ate my entire All-Star Special. I love Waffle House so much. Then I took a shower and a fabulous nap, went to the pool to grade papers, got an email saying I had won a Pampered Chef drawing that I entered at the farmer's market (Pampered Chef cookbook and an orange peeler, ohh yeahhh!), and met the dog and cat that we are babysitting for a TFA staff member for the week.

Bossman...one of the cutest puppies I have ever met.

Biscuit is the dog, and Socrates is the cat who alternates between hiding under my bed and coming out to brush up against everything and walk around purring. I had to kick him out of my room last night because he was walking all over me and meowing when I was trying to sleep. We are soooo happy to have pets in the apartment even just for a week. Our heads know that we can't handle our own pets right now...but our hearts melt every time we see a puppy and it's so hard to resist! Mary and I met one of the cutest puppies I've ever seen at the farmer's market, named Bossman. Really, Bossman. Or that's what the guy told us.

Then I cooked dinner, Holly went to Charlotte to visit a friend, Mary and I hung out with some other teachers for a while, and I got to Skype my best friend Kristen in China. I wish it was Saturday again instead of Sunday, but I am thankful for friends, weekends, great weather, and everything else I'm blessed with.

The. Hardest. Thing.

So, first I'll explain the pictures I posted last time. Students nominate a monthly "teacher feature" which I guess is like a student-choice teacher-of-the-month. Those three nominations came from my homeroom, so it's very possible that when I told my homeroom to make their nomination, they didn't feel like thinking and just wrote down the teacher who was standing in front of them. This was the first week of school, when they had known me for four days and I had taught them literally nothing yet. They had no idea whether I was a good teacher or not. But I hope and like to think it's because they could already see how badly I want to teach them.

Here's what will happen almost every day: they drive me insane at school. Half of them don't want to do anything in class, and they disrupt the other half from learning. More often than I'm thinking about what or how I'm teaching, I'm thinking about classroom management. Sometimes I can't wait for them to leave my class, and often I can't wait for the end of the day. Then, when I go home, I kind of miss them. And I dream about teaching almost every night.  I spend most of that time at home planning for how best to teach them the next day. So I hope that they could see, even in the first week, how hard I am working and willing to work so that they will succeed. I want them to do well more than they do...I get nervous before quizzes and tests. Will they study? Did I give them the tools to do well? Did they even learn anything??  Even if I fail miserably, at least I know I can make a difference to someone just by waiting for him when he writes slow. But soon, even that becomes harder to do. You have an objective to teach, you have to stay on pace, you only have 55 minutes and you lose a lot of class time just trying to get them to do what you want--increasingly I start to feel like we don't have time to wait for slow writers! Timing is the hardest thing about teaching.

And teaching is the hardest thing I can think of to do. Literally. I'm sure that's a first-year thing, but I honestly can't think of anything more difficult than this. You can put everything you have into it, and still suck. Or you can even be kind of good, but your kids still might not learn. They might not be prepared, or they might not want to that day. And your success is measured by how you affect them. It's nothing like college, where you can put your all into studying for a test and know you'll be rewarded with a good grade and personal success. If they don't learn it, you've still failed...no matter how hard you worked or creative your lessons were or what kind of good feedback you've gotten from your principal. In addition, you have pressure from the students, from the parents, the school administration, the district, the state, the federal government and in my case TFA, telling you how and what to teach, and what you can and can't do. You have students who are already ready for the next level of learning, and some who are terribly behind; somehow you need to teach them both in the same class. Finally, you have to not only teach the standards but also teach your kids how to be responsible, respectful, organized, self-motivated people so that they can be successful. And you have to love them. Dedicated teachers deserve to get paid about twice, or more than twice, what they are actually paid. As one of the TFA staff members said at a meeting yesterday, "A teacher could work for 24 hours a day and still have something to do." The overwhelming nature of it all is about to put me in the "survival" stage of first-year teaching. Here's to a full Sunday of schoolwork!

P.S. Usually I am literally just teaching in my dream, but last night I had a dream that one of my male students smacked me on the behind when he came into class and said "What's up Miss K?" Thank the Lord that nothing like this has ever happened...

I survived!

I'm sorry. I know that this post is very late and you probably wanted to know how the first day and the first week went. I've now almost completed my first TWO weeks of teaching, and I'm still alive :) I also love it so far.

I knew that I should have written a post after my very first day, because now I can hardly remember what it was like. It's all a blur! I have duty on Mondays, so I got to school super early and my first introduction into the world of teaching was standing in the cafeteria monitoring behavior as kids came in from the buses. I chose my first day outfit very carefully and I wore a sensible pair of heels (that I also once thought were comfortable). The heels came off after first period. Even so, after wearing sandals the rest of the day, I was in disbelief over how badly my feet and legs hurt after day one. I have 7th period planning, the last period of the day, so while in some ways it's a huge blessing, it also means that literally the only time I sit down is at lunch (teachers eat with our classes in the caf every day). And if I am able to go to the bathroom once during the day I guess that counts too. First lesson learned: physically, teaching is a very taxing job. Not just on the legs and feet, but also I woke up a few days ago from a horribly sore throat after a day that started with singing in the car, continued with my teacher voice throughout six periods, and ended in open house night talking to parents. I was afraid I was going to lose my voice, but instead the sore throat was replaced by sneezing and nasal congestion today. Kids are germy. Very germy.

Second lesson learned on the first day: my kids are not what I was expecting. I was expecting Atlanta. This summer in Atlanta I had 8th graders and summer schoolers, so maybe that accounts for a little bit of the difference, but these kids just seem so much more like kids than they did. My 8th graders in Atlanta were kind of scary. I loved them, but they were scary in the way that I was always scared for their lives and their safety in the back of my head. They weren't scary people, but you could just feel their potential to get mixed up in scary things and be victims of gangs or violence, even if they weren't there yet. The possibility was always there.

My 7th graders here are so...different. The scariness for them is that they will give up on themselves or start believing that they can't do it, because you can see some of them starting to think that way. But I don't sense the same kind of danger for their lives. Most are so respectful that it sometimes makes me want to laugh and/or cry. I can't believe how many things I say call for "yes ma'am," even when it's not a question. I was shocked--SHOCKED--when I received almost 100% of the homework I assigned on the first day (a parent survey and worksheet about what it means to be a champion). I had to bribe my summer school kids to do homework, and even then they quickly lost interest in that. I was expecting that to be a huge fight. But the first week, we set individual and class goals for ourselves, and on top of actually doing their work, they had specific goals for themselves in mind: the most popular were A/B "anarole" (or "honor roll," to us), making passing or better than average scores on the South Carolina PASS test, and not getting in trouble (if you're a boy) and staying out of drama (if you're a girl). And most of the time, I really feel like these kids come to school knowing that it's a place where they work, and they know that it is important and want to do well. In Atlanta, I was blown away by the extent to which my students hated to be asked to do work. A five-sentence paragraph was too long and boring to read, and asking them to WRITE a five-sentence paragraph, well, you might as well ask them to throw their phone out the window.

Which is another thing: I have not seen one cell phone out or child at school texting. I know they have phones, because they'll talk about them or mention them. But they actually follow the rule that they are to be put away completely at school. It's completely bizarre. And finally, I also haven't heard one curse word, even at lunch or in the hall. I don't know if they just don't say them as much, or if there's a strictly enforced language policy, but it's one of those things that is very notable by its absence. I was expecting swearing on desks and bathroom stalls at the very least, and none of that even.

I don't want you to think that I landed in some kind of preteen utopia...but this post is getting very long and it is way past bedtime. Coming soon: my opinion on single-gender classes (why doesn't everyone do this??) and the top ridiculous student answers on interest surveys! And, something to make you smile. I certainly did. I'll explain these photos later.

The top looks weird because I badly edited out the name using Paint.

'Twas the night before...

It's getting late and I should really go to bed--huge day and a very early start tomorrow on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!--but I knew I would regret it if I didn't post the night before and record how I'm feeling. I'll try to keep it somewhat quick. This weekend I was very grateful to have my older sister Laura come and help me put the finishing touches on my classroom. I can honestly say I am so proud of it, and that if I was a student I would enjoy learning there. If I do say so myself. Laura was a huge help and I was sad to see her go on Saturday...not only was it lonelier, but the nerves started to set in. I allowed myself a relaxing couple of hours at the apartment complex pool, but by Saturday night I was already freaking out a little. Today, Sunday, I woke up early and got a good bit of preparatory work done, knowing that I was going to school this afternoon to make my copies and make sure I was ready for tomorrow. As the hours dwindled, I was getting work done, but I was starting to panic. I could tell because whenever someone spoke to me I felt like I was going to start crying. Classic sign of stress. Haha. And it didn't help that everyone who did speak to me said the exact same thing:

"Are you nervous/ready/excited?"
"Yes."
"You'll be fine."

Not helping. Don't believe you.
In reality I know that I will be fine, and tomorrow won't be as terrifying as it seemed. But I want it to be stellar, which is why I'm so stressed. I feel like there is so much pressure to make the first day perfect; in this summer's training I have heard over and over again how important the first week, day, even minute is and how it sets the tone for the year and can even tell you whether the whole year will be a success. At the same time, they keep telling us that none of us will get it right the first time, that it's okay if we mess up because we can always fix, change, and improve. Anyway, I feel much better about tomorrow by now, having finalized my schedule of what I would do and say when during each class. Now I have a plan to follow and I feel like I at least won't forget what to do next. My biggest fear is to look unorganized in front of the class tomorrow...or should I say, for the class to realize I have no clue what I'm doing. Later this week (hopefully if I have time) I will post more details about my daily schedule and my classes. Right now I just wanted to explain what the night before this first-year teacher's first day of school feels like. I'm not looking forward to the nightmares I'm probably about to have...but I will leave you with pictures of my room!

                                

                                                                                                    

My first bulletin board! The classroom theme is "Champions," aka the Olympics, but more about that later.

View from the door.

Corner behind my desk. These posters were all inherited from a wonderful 7th grade SS teacher who isn't in the classroom this year and lent them to me! On the cabinet is a postcard from my friend Jacqueline, something one of my summer school students made for me, a SC postcard from my MTLD, and my name drawn during a boring Institute session.

My desk. Those flowers are pencils with fake flowers wrapped on. Behind my desk is a canvas my friend Elizabeth painted for me with the C.S. Lewis quote, "You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream," my pin collection, and my cross country letter from Mercer. On the window sill is a picture of my dog Champ (I know, I still need one of Bella), and a picture of the TFA SC 2012 Corps at induction.

The reading corner! Leggy has been with me since 8th grade...now my 7th graders get to love him too! Poster from Kristen Blackwell :)

Laura made me this awesome pencil wreath!

My second bulletin board! The pictures of Olympians will be replaced with student work, making us the champions instead. Above you can see the sign for my attention getting signal...the BOLT pose.

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you." Handmade by Laura and going to be our class motto. The "track" above the clock is our class tracker, where each of my classes will track their progress on assessments and hopefully get some competition going to outdo each other.

Caley made me this awesome candy jar! I love it!

"Kids are Goats"

I finally started the "teacher blog" I've been thinking about all summer. First I wanted to do it before Institute, but I could barely keep up with what I was required to do, much less start blogging on the side. Then I wanted to do it as soon as I moved here, but I was stumped because I couldn't think of what to call it! Blog names are always so clever and witty; I couldn't go with something like "Adventures in Middle School" or "First Year Teacher." Yawn.

Last night I was so pumped to start writing things down that I bit the bullet and decided on a title. The title of the blog, Kids Are Goats, comes from a quote by one of the administrators of the school district who came to speak to all the new teachers at our orientation this week. She told us never to call our students "kids." They are children, they are students, they are scholars, but they are never kids. She once gave a presentation in a college education class in which she substituted "kids" for "children." Afterwards, her professor called her over and said, "Linda, children are not kids. Kids are goats." She said it stuck with her to the point that now, after 30+ years in education, she cringes when she hears someone say it. When she told us this story,  it sounded familiar because my mom, who's also a teacher, had had almost exactly the same experience in college. A professor took points from her research paper every time she used "kids" because it was incorrect.

kid: noun, verb, kid·ded, kid·ding, adjective

1. Informal . a child or young person.

2. (used as a familiar form of address.)

3. a young goat.

"Kids" for "children" may be slang, but I have already started thinking of my students as "my kids." Children just doesn't sound right for middle schoolers; I know they are still children, but the word just doesn't really fit that in-between stage they're in. And while they are my students, I know they're going to become more to me than that word seems to hold. If kids are goats, these will be my goats! And I can't wait to meet them!